March 31, 2008

Why Every President Sucked


(continuation)

#8. Martin Van Buren

Missouri issued an executive order of October 27, 1838, known as the "Extermination Order", authorizing troops to use force against Mormons to drive them from the state because of the political threat they brought. An outspoken proponent of liberty, Van Buren ignored these citizen's rights to have theirs, because of the political consequences of doing so.

March 28, 2008

Let's Make You OCD


Let's say I handed off a piece of paper to you to look at. But before I do, I lick the bottom of it.

Would that gross you out?

So, for people who thumb through packets of paper/catalogs by licking their fingers to assist in the page turning, isn't that like putting your entire mouth in the bowl of salsa?

The More You Know.

March 27, 2008

We Want a Superhero


For the past two days, my posts have been intentionally self-deprecating. This tactic can be used to make someone seem more human, and by that, more likable. Mild self-criticism can often be seen as a strength.

However, recently I heard John McCain start off a sentence with, "I may not be the smartest person in the world, but..."

He has also made comments like "I may be older than dirt, but" and "I may have more scars than Frankenstein, but".

Senator McCain is running for the ONE position in the world where this strategy will NOT work. We have already discussed how our populace wrongly looks for divine perfection in a President who will solve their problems for them, save the day, etc. People are LOOKING for the smartest person in the world, Senator. So, pretend it's you. It's the only chance you have.

March 26, 2008

A Modern Day Robot


So, if someone's walking directly behind me in the hallway, I never know what to do with my arms.

I suddenly become conscious of my stride, and try to control it into a cool swagger, only to realize how restricting it must look, since a "natural" gait, by definition, must be the most natural way I can walk.

How many people consciously walk?

March 25, 2008

I'm a Saver


So, let's say I grab a drink from the drinking fountain at work. After quenching my thirst, I will take one last swig and not swallow it until roughly I get back to my desk.

Or, let's say I send something to the printer at work. I take a drink from my glass and don't officially swallow until after I'm roughly near the printer.

This habit of mine only became a conscious one when along this walk I was greeted by a coworker and I gave a bubbly "helgh", swallowed, then gave a gasped "hello" after they were 20 feet away.

What is this?? Is this a survival skill I inherited from my chipmunk ancestors? Anyone else crazy like me?

March 24, 2008

Nitrous 101


After hearing yet ANOTHER touchy-feely dentist story this weekend, it made me ask an important question:

Do molesters go into the field of dentistry knowing that they'll get the opportunity to gas people asleep and then touch them while they're under?

Or when presented with that same opportunity, would all of us succumb to the overwhelming temptation of assault?

Similarly, are there any kids who like inhaling nitrous oxide recreationally and think, "Man, what do I have to do to get my hands on more of this stuff?" and apply to dental school the next day?

More specifically, I guess the question is, are there any people who become dentists for good-old-fashioned reasons...like money?

March 20, 2008

Easter Baskets Make Sense


Ever hear how Easter traditions are mostly pagan-based? Christmas too?

I actually think they make perfect sense. We celebrate both occasions by getting something for nothing.

Regardless of merit, you are given gifts just because you are loved.

So...Happy Easter! Go find some Jesus eggs.

March 19, 2008

Where I'm Needed


Why do people think going to Africa is the answer?

Sometimes, I hear people say they're going to take a couple weeks off and go work with a non-for-profit in Africa. That's awesome! But, these are people who currently don't do to help poverty locally. Do they think that going to the MOST impoverished place counts double or something?

And I wonder if anyone actually goes to bring relief to South America? 'cause they're farther than my local soup kitchen, but not as cool sounding as Africa.

March 18, 2008

Fashion 102


Do pinstripe pants require a matching jacket?

March 17, 2008

Problem with Islamic Democracy


Why would I want a democracy where EVERYONE'S voice can be heard if I can get a theocracy that rules EXACTLY how I believe God wants it to be?

March 14, 2008

Moral Compass


At work, I turn off my monitor every night. The people who leave theirs on drive me crazy. I drive the guy next to me crazy, because he shuts down his entire computer every night.

On the highway, people going faster than me are crazy and people going slower are sissys. So, to those people, respectively, I'm a sissy and a crazy as well, right?

The guy who doesn't kiss his wife until they're married. C'mon. The guy who eats more donuts than me. Disgusting.

Why do I automatically assume my moral compass as flawless, and judge anyone with looser restrictions as pagan, and anyone with tighter restrictions, a prude? Maybe because I don't want to consider that I could be doing something wrong?

March 13, 2008

Driving Deaf


Should deaf people be allowed to get driver's licenses?

I bet being born deaf and inheriting deafness affects you very differently. People born deaf probably could be amazing drivers, because their vision is probably much more reactive than mine. But, if I went deaf tomorrow, I'd probably start running over pedestrians and getting run down by ambulances pretty quick.

So, what do we do? Just see if they can pass the regular test? That'd probably be much less divisive than my other driving test idea.

March 12, 2008

The Anti-War Party


...historically, is who?

World War I - Woodrow Wilson (Democrat)
World War II - FDR (Democrat)
The Korean War - Harry Truman (Democrat)
The Vietnam War - JFK (Democrat)

March 11, 2008

Just Another Guy Thing


I've never been in a fight before...I'm a pretty slender guy...and yet, I assume I would do incredibly well.

Just another insight into the typical (no good reason to be this arrogant) male mindset.

March 10, 2008

Where are the Jeffersons?


Why is the current pool of legitimate conservatives so shallow?
(insert punchline here)

But, seriously, there are many conservatives who claim that none of the contenders for the Presidential nomination espoused their "conservative" views. Why is this?

Perhaps it's because of the inherent nature of conservatism. A conservative would, typically, argue for a more limited government, believing that its predominant role is largely to protect collective and individual liberty. The people in charge of correcting social evils and inequalities, would be, the people. Therefore, those people most willing to espouse those beliefs would likely be....doing those things. And not being senators.

March 07, 2008

Rebranding the Mid-Life Crisis


The mid-life crisis is well known. I've even heard of people claiming to be going though quarter-life crises. I propose a renaming initiative. When one goes through these periods, it should be known as a Pre-life Crisis.

No matter when this "crisis" occurs, I believe that it is a realization that one's current life is not being lived for anything in particular. A realization that they are not experiencing life as it was intended. Therefore, by definition this crisis must be considered PRE-life.

March 06, 2008

E-Ching for the Day:


"A dandelion is the perfect reminder of how something so dangerous can look so good."

March 05, 2008

Question for the Day...


Was Jesus a Christian fundamentalist?

March 04, 2008

Flattered?


Let's say someone you find unattractive hits on you. Should you be flattered by this?

A) Yes. I am complimented that the person found me desirable.

B) No. I am insulted by the fact that a person I find unattractive presumes themselves to be in "my league".

or C) INSERT YOUR RESPONSE HERE

What's your verdict, team?

March 03, 2008

Obillboard Idea


Barack Obama.

If you don't vote for him, you're a racist.