February 27, 2009

Dove Does it All



Does this product breadth weird anyone else out?

February 26, 2009

Why does R.I.P. sound scary?


As a kid, don't you remember seeing R.I.P. on Halloween decorations and thinking negatively of the connotation? I don't think I ever really thought of it as an acronym for "rest in peace" but more as a sign that the deceased's life was ending by being RIPped apart by something.

Maybe we think of R.I.P in a morbid sense because it is? The idea that the dead are simply "resting" sounds like something you'd tell a 3-year-old who couldn't understand why his goldfish was floating at the top of the tank.

February 25, 2009

How 'Bout Some 14K Beads?


The prostitutionary process of flashing for wares makes sense to me from an economic standpoint. But, I think girls need to start upping their rates. Unionize or something.

I mean, plastic beads? This is a classic example of not understanding your true value in the marketplace. Of course, this argument all falls flat if I'm looking too far into this, and these girls aren't just looking for a cheap buck, but instead are simply girls desperate for attention, still trying to win their daddy's love. But that would just be terribly sad.

February 24, 2009

Concept Albums


My friend made fun of me when I said that every music album should be a concept album. But, why should music be the only art that doesn't have to be about something?

The only reason we don't care that most music is typically about stupid relationship-y things is that the music itself is so good.

But what if we combined them?
Shakespeare's words. Beethoven's songs.

February 23, 2009

Jimmy Johns Knockoff Chips


Both in Peoria and up here in the Chicago suburbs, I have had multiple Jimmy Johns employees who have memorized my order and start preparing it when they see me coming in the door. I say that to prepare you for the serious nature of today's topic.

Chips. Jimmy Johns BBQ chips are the best potato chip I've ever had. For years, I have longed for them to sell them at the grocery store in bigger bags. But, the next best thing has happened.

Meijer has begun to sell kettle cooked BBQ chips that are nearly identical. I say nearly, because the Jimmy Johns ones are slightly more flavorful, with a huge peanut oil kick. But on the other side, you can get a giant bag of Meijer chips for only slightly more than a single serving bag of Jimmy Johns chips costs in store.

This is the only picture that I can find, so look for the red version of the bag (BBQ). And be prepared to thank me.

February 20, 2009

Why Every President Sucked


(a continuation)

#18. Ulysses S. Grant

Grant came into office with extreme popularity as the general who led the Union to victory over the Confederate States. Once there, he decided to fill his cabinet based on friendships rather than qualifications. While far from the only President to do this, the sheer amount of abuses and corruption committed by these appointees not only under his watch but his awareness bewilders historians to this day.

February 19, 2009

Why Every President Sucked


(a continuation)

#17. Andrew Johnson

In 1867, Johnson vetoed the Tenure of Office Act, which would forbid the President from removing certain public officials without Senate consent. His veto was overridden and the act became law. Johnson refused to accept this decision and dismissed his Secretary of War, Edwin Stanton, for undermining his policies. He underestimated the Senate's willingness to allow blatant affronts to Federal Law, however, and he was quickly impeached.

February 18, 2009

Why Every President Sucked


(a continuation)

#16. Abraham Lincoln

Despite the South's constitutional right to secede, Lincoln was determined to preserve the Union at all costs. These included suspending the writ of habeas corpus and imprisoning more than 18,000 of his critics. And despite Lincoln's legacy as a liberator, the Emancipation Proclamation only freed the slaves in certain rebel states, in the hopes of ushering a slave uprising that would help the Northern cause. Plus, even if you forget about the approximately 620,000 American soldier and civilian deaths that transpired, Lincoln could have bought, freed and gave every single slave in America 40 acres of land and a mule for less than the monetary costs of the war alone.

February 17, 2009

Why Every President Sucked


(a continuation)

#15. James Buchanan

While elected by many out of hope he would be able to bring about the unity necessary to permanently prevent Southern secession, Buchanan himself gave up this prospect after his inability to convince the North of the South's constitutional rights nor properly warn the South of the consequences of secession. He made it clear that he would not seek a second term, and the country resigned as well, knowing that secession was well on its way.

February 16, 2009

Why Every President Sucked


Happy President's Day! In honor, we're going to continue our study of Presidential suckiness all week.

(a continuation)

#14. Franklin Pierce

Because the nation of Cuba was so near the United States, Franklin Pierce decided that he should be allowed to take it from Spain, its current and distant owner. The Ostend Manifesto declared his desire to purchase Cuba for $120 million, and threatened that a refusal to sell would justify the United States in "wresting it from Spain." While some critics saw this simply as a ploy to add power to the Southern states, others were shocked at the total affront and disregard for international law.

February 13, 2009

Gattaca Will Happen


The science fiction movie Gattaca takes place in the future where, through much greater knowledge of the human genome, a husband and wife can now adjust and remove any bad genetic coding that could lead to inferiority of any kind before implantation of the fertilized egg into the womb. The results are humans with perfect vision, olympian-tuned bodies and immune systems insusceptible to common diseases.

I believe this world will come to pass.

And while many will want to have children the "natural" way, businesses, schools and more will desire the genetic elite ever the more until the majority are convinced to go along - for the sake of their children.

It started with donuts, and we will assuredly become Gattaca. How can this not happen?

February 12, 2009

Donut Eugenics


As a child, I was a pastry fan. You may remember those shops around town that offered fried dough in various shapes.

While I was, and remain a Dunkin Donuts fan to this day, I fondly remember when Krispy Kreme first came to town. The big open window that let you peep at the process. The yeast rising, the machinery flipping, the ocean of glaze double dipping. It was magical.

And yet, there was a female employee with a tonged rake. And if a donut had a bump on it, or was misshaped in anyway, she quickly grabbed it out from our sight, and quickly disposed of it.

Have these people seen Gattaca? That's where this starts. Perhaps they're the company that starts us on an slippery frosting-laden slope to pre-determination?

More on this tomorrow.

February 11, 2009

Now or Never?


Do you believe now is the easiest time in American history to get universal health care passed, because of how many people are losing their benefits, or the hardest, because of how much else is being spent?

February 10, 2009

Let the Record Show...?


Does Illinois' gubernatorial/prison record show that Illinois is the most corrupt state in the Union, or simply the most diligent at prosecuting criminals?

February 09, 2009

How Can I Be That Heartless?


You know you were all thinking the same thing if you watched the Grammys last night.

Kanye's trying to bring back the black mullet, ala Cockroach from the Cosby Show.

Represent.

February 06, 2009

What Happens?


Why do I, for the most part, universally like children, and universally dislike the adults they turn into?

February 05, 2009

Betty and Veronica: The Movie


As a big fan of Archie Comics growing up, I still long for the day they turn Archie into a live action film of some sorts.

And since I had to create a movie/tv poster for my Photoshop class, I thought I'd share it with you all as well.

February 04, 2009

Conspiracy Theory for the Day


Obama is methodically trying to get rid of some of the big names in the Democratic Party.

He knows these guys are are louses who don't pay their taxes, and he knows that the only way they'll be found out is if he nominates them for something, and the search for dirt begins.

What say you?

February 03, 2009

Knowledge is Not Psychic Ability


If I can guess a number you're thinking of. If I know what girl is going to get kicked off the Bachelor next. If I know who's going to call me before my phone rings.

These are not psychic abilities. This is simply an awareness of something that someone else knows. That person has already thought of the number. The TV show has already been recorded. The person who is about to call me has already planned it.

I'm not saying this isn't impressive, but I think as we learn more about the human mind, we're going to become less impressed that it can do something that a standard remote control can do (wirelessly communicate with other powerful computers e.g. brains).

Now, if you predict something happening that NOONE else has planned out, then I'll start listening.

February 02, 2009

Risk-Free Roulette


I've found the key to being debt free. And all it requires is a gracious man with a deep bankroll.

Let's say you have $50,000 of student loan debt. Boy, wouldn't it be nice to get out from under it.

So, how about Warren Buffett or Bill Gates starting a non-for-profit debt removal company? Here's the business model. They play high-stakes roulette, and put $50,000 on red. If they win, the debt's canceled and they get their money back. If they lose, they put $100,000 on red. If they win, the debt's canceled and they get their money back. If they lose, they put $200,000 on red, and so on.

With near 50/50 odds, they will likely win within two rounds. But, even if they don't, the likelihood of losing 7 times in a row is under 1%. And they're not even close to their bankroll limit by then.

The reason why everyone doesn't do this? Because they don't have the bankroll to keep doubling up, and there's a risk of losing EVERYTHING. With these guys, the risk is literally infinitesimal.

Shall we play?